Welcome to the roller coaster called my life ..

What a few months it has been! Sorry I have been away, I have been in a real funk and I needed to snap out of it before I returned to blogging. A funk you say? Yeah and it's been pretty bad and here goes with me spilling it all out there for the world to read ..

Well, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I got a phone call at work that changed my life forever. My little sister called me to let me know that they found my mother dead in her home. I still can't explain the knife gutting pain I felt that day and still feel to this day. I lost it. My mother had been battling her own personal demons for a long time, and I guess we all knew it would catch up to her one day, but I guess I just hoped she would always bounce back. There are so many things that run through my mind about my mothers death, alot of anger, sadness, overall feeling like I should have done more. The fact is that the last few years I couldn't deal with my mom's issues anymore, I wouldn't let my daughter around her because I didn't want my daughter to get attached to her the way she was. I always told her I would rather paint a picture of the mother she used to be instead of the woman she had become. Everytime I was around her I would get so damn mad, I hated that she drank, I hated that she let herself go and have people take advantage of her. I hated everything.  What kills me is that the last time I spoke to her I yelled at her that I hated her. And that was the last words she ever heard me say. God I hate that. I really hate myself for just getting so angry with her, I should have told her I loved her more, I should have loved her more, I just couldn't. My biggest fear when I became a mother is that I would end up like her, she was self destructing right before my eyes and I couldn't do it anymore.  Needless to say, I have a ton of regret, a ton of things left unsaid and it's eating me alive every single day. I hate now that she is gone people are still taking advantage of her death, it appalls me and angers me to the point of no return. I hate how she left me and my sisters to plan her funeral, to pick out a casket and lay her to rest, I never thought at 29 I would have to do that .. I wish I could make some sense of all of it but I can't, not to mention during the funeral I had to keep my emotions is check because I was just 36 weeks pregnant and my baby boy could come at any time and I was too far from home to let that happen. We laid my mother finally to rest on November 28th 2010. And I didn't smile after that day until ..

Exactly one week later on December 4th at 37 weeks, my water broke at home .. Boy what timing does my son have or what! We went from going cut down our family Christmas tree to driving 90 mph on the interstate to get to the hospital. I was admitted at 530 pm and the nurses told me the baby was on his way like it or not. I was so scared, I mean I was 3 weeks early, would he be ok? Would he be healthy enough? Well 11 hours on Sunday, December 5th later I found out, when I delivered my baby boy! He was 7lbs 12 oz and was as perfect as perfect can be! What was crazy is that he came exactly one week to the day when I buried my mother, I guess she and he knew better, I like to think he was a gift from my mother to help me smile again.

Now that little man is 2 weeks old we are getting into the groove of things, I forgot how crazy life gets when a newborn arrives, but I wouldn't change a thing!!  I have been battling my emotions about my mother but I look at my kiddos and realize that I have reasons to live on, but I miss her and I wish I could  talk to her again, I am living in a world of regrets but I know one day I will be okay but for now I keep praying and having faith that she knew how much I did love her and wished she was still here.