4 Months Later ..

Today is so hard. It has been 4 months since my mother passed away. The last few months I have been staring at the keyboard, I have been wanting to write about my mother's passing, not just small details here and there but really get out what I have been feeling. Truth is I can't get my thoughts together long enough to write anything that has made any sense, because the pain I am going through is so tough. So here I am 4 months later still so many mixed emotions and I can not for the life of me get them right in my head, so I am just going to type. Allot of this blog will not make sense at times, if at all. This is my raw feelings and I really hope that anyone reading this has lost someone it helps them see the emotions and that it is okay, and I hope that at the end of this I feel somewhat whole again, but I doubt it. So here goes nothing...

Four months have passed since my mom left this world. I wish that I could say her death was a shock, but apart of it wasn't. My mother drank, allot. For years my mother battled a deep addiction that sometimes she got control of and sometimes and in the end got control of her. Her disease made me angry, very angry. I tried to understand her, but sometimes her actions made it impossible for me to forgive her. There were nights that she would go missing, nights she went off the deep end and nights she just seemed so lost that I never thought I would see my mother again. In the end my mother's disease got the best of her. I think that is why I live today so damn angry. There were so many nights she would call me and just want to talk, but I knew she had too many that I didn't want to hear it. For years I tried to help her, did I do 100% to do that? No. I think I spent the last years of my mother's life so damn angry that she was so selfish that I really didn't get down to the root of the problem, and yes she probably tried to tell me, but frankly then I didn't care. After I had my daughter I almost stopped seeing her completely. I didn't and refused for my own kid to see my mother in the light that I did. I couldn't have my daughter get close to her for my mom to let her down. Deep down I think I wanted to punish my mom, and look at me now, a life full of regret, so I guess I am punishing myself now.

My younger sister really did everything to help my mom, I never got why she stuck around, until now. So many years wasted being so damn mad that I just didn't listen. Why the hell didn't I listen. I give ANYTHING to listen now. I think as children we have a expectation of our parents, we expect them never to do any wrong and be perfect. God I hope my kids don't have that expectation, boy will they be disappointed. I spent so much time pissed off that I didn't spend enough time with her. I spent so much time yelling at her to get better instead of just spending time with her.

I'm angry.

There are days I wake up like she isn't dead, like it was all a nightmare and I can run to her and tell her how sad and hurt I was that she left us, maybe she would see the pain in my eyes that she would stop. I would tell her how my sister is sad all the time, how the light in my sisters eyes is gone. Maybe that would help. Then I realize it's not a dream, this is my reality. I am 29 years old and my mother is dead. Why couldn't she just talk to me, tell me what she was feeling, what she was trying  to escape from .. Maybe then I would understand, maybe then I could comfort her the way she needed. But that's not happening.

I'm alone.

She didn't have to leave me, my sisters or our kids. She didn't have to but she did. Was the pain that bad??? Was life that dark? I knew she wasn't happy, but why did she want to go away? I remember the day I got the call that she was found dead .. I will never forget that day. I was at work, and my baby sister called to give me the news. Everything after that is a blur, I just felt allot of pain. I was 9 months pregnant and I just remember telling myself that it wasn't real. It's like my body separated and my heart and soul left and really only has returned for brief periods of time. I remember sitting in that cold funeral home planning a funeral that shouldn't even be happening. Looking into my sister Ashley's eyes and seeing her in a new light that I never saw before. My sister looked so broken. I just wanted to pick her up and tell her that it was all not happening. This was a nightmare that we would wake up from. I wanted to make it better, but I couldn't. I remember the first time I saw my mother's body in that casket. She for the first time in so many years looked peaceful. I remember gripping her casket and telling her how sorry I was, how I should have been there more, how I just wanted to do anything to have her back.

This pain is to much.

Do you know when they pick you up after you die, they hand you a paper bag with your things in it that were on your body .. down to hair clips. Your life, in a bag. There's something so sad about that. The last four months I have spent remembering things about my mom that I forgot about. How she always had birthday pancakes or waffles for my birthday, and she would walk upstairs and sing to me. How she loved scary movies and even though I HATED them I would sit with her and eat popcorn. She always gave the best hugs. Every time I would go back home from being away at school or for a visit, she would greet me with the best hugs. She would take HOURS in the bathroom to get ready but when she was done, she was so beautiful.  I wanted to be beautiful like my mom.

So many years wasted being pissed off.

My mom loved life for a long time. She loved me even when I most likely didn't deserve it. She loved being a grandmother. My god she would love to see Conner now .. There are so many things I wish I could take back. Tell me how you heal from that?? I should have forgiven her. I should have just heard her out. I'm sorry mom. I spent so many years blaming her for the bad things, that I never gave her credit for the good things. God I am so broken now. I wonder if she knows how sorry I am. Funny how quickly we have regret when time runs out .. so sad. Since she died, my family is split up. Funny how money does that to people. I have been told I deserve nothing from my mother. That because I chose to get out and get away I don't deserve anything. Maybe their right. Sibling have made me feel like my mother didn't care about me, that's bullshit. She loved me and no one will take that from me. I don't need her clothes, money or jewelry to validate what she meant to me. Know that.

I'm broken.

I wish my kids would know their grandmother. And I know I will be able to tell them stories and show them pictures, but that isn't enough. They won't know her hugs. God that kills me. There are times I am at work, driving in my car, in wal-mart and something will remind me of her, that song on the radio, the smell of her perfume, and I break down. Sometimes it's hard to look at my sister because I see so much of her ... No one should know this heartbreak. It feels like someone ripped my heart out and I am walking around numb. No one should know this pain this soon. The regret is eating me alive. And no words are helping it get better. I can hear myself screaming on the inside.

One week after I buried my mother, my son entered this world. 3 weeks early and just  as perfect as perfect could be. He was a gift from my mom. Thanks Mom. When he smiles I know before he came you kissed him for me, because you can only make someone smile like that. I'm sorry I let you down mom. I should have been a better daughter. I really hope you forgive me. Dammit I miss you. I wish I could scream that everyday. You had a problem, but it wasn't who you were, you were so much more to me than that. I hope you know that. Please know that. Did I mention that I miss you? I want to stop crying in my sleep. I want to stop waking up with this knife pain in my stomach. I want to stop being angry. I guess that will take time .. I love you mom.

4 months and I am still breathing .. holding on .. missing you.

This is my mom's ring that she was wearing the night she died.

Not worth anything, but worth more than gold to me.

I haven't taken it off one day since she died.