Her posts brought me back to a place that I hate to go to, like most of you that read my blog are aware that my mother passed away last year. You can read about that here and here. Since that day I have not been the same, everything about her death changed me, it changed how I look at the world, how I interact with people down to my happiness, her death and the guilt from her death has literally sucked the life out of me. My mother's depression for many years consumed her life to the point that she drank enough to fill a bar room to cope. Her emotions and her demons took over, and she never asked for help and help was forced on her so much that she rejected it, until it finally took her life. My mother's last years changed her, her drinking literally became a every day all day thing until it killed her. It is no secret that I stayed away from her. Instead of just being there I chose to let my own anger about it push me away. I did not want to deal with the drama and the fighting, I did not want to have my kids around it, and to be honest she scared the crap out of me. So I ran away from her.
The last few years I only talked to my mother on the phone, saw her time to time, and I have beaten myself up every single day since about that. I hated her for what she became and I hate her now for dying. I've never said that out loud before. I never could understand why she just couldn't snap out of it, that is until I read Jenny's blog. People really don't talk about what depression is or how it can swallow you whole. I am one of those people. I never once put myself in my mother's shoes. I never once just tried to talk to her without getting angry, I was just always angry. My parents divorced when I was two years old. Both remarried shortly after. My mother, she drank socially and some nights until that became a every day habit. My mother didn't think she had a problem. For many years I have stayed angry with both my parents for a long list of reasons, it wasn't until I actually became a mother that I realized how imperfect parents can be and that is really okay.
But still I feel cheated and still I feel anger and I am not quite sure exactly yet how to deal with it. When my mom died everything about me that I loved died with her. I know that sounds strange and it is hard to put into words to help people understand. I feel so disconnected with almost everything now. Things I loved before I really could careless about, I am not as happy as I use to be and I really stopped trusting people in general. Some might say I am depressed and I would agree on some level, but the truth is I can not stop being so damn mad to let myself be happy right now. The day my mother's coffin closed it was like a loud metal door shut inside me. Following her death my family separated, words were exchanged that never should be said, things were done by people I thought I trusted that should never be done. I closed the door to what I thought was "family" and I haven't looked back since.
I wish I could describe the feeling you have when a parent dies. You feel like half of you is gone, like your never quite whole again. It is a sad feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone. I fully realize that I am the only one that can control how I feel but the truth is I want to be angry right now. I feel like if I don't go through this part of the process I will never be happy again. I am okay with crying and I am really okay with shutting out most of the world. I am very lucky to have people that are willing to love me through this. I have a close group of people that love me on the good and bad days. They see past so much of me, they can see the light for me through this very dark tunnel and are willing to be there no matter what and I am so thankful for that. I am thankful that I have kids that love me despite me not being a perfect parent and hopefully see past them when they are older. I know that one day I will have to deal with how I feel and I feel like this is the first step for me in a very long road. I am so glad I am able to finally just lay it all out there for the world to see on a small level, people are silently hurting and sometimes in the case of my mother doing things to show they are hurting inside. Be there for those people. Don't run away because of anger or fear. Just because someone is going through "stuff" doesn't make them unworthy of love and support, I know I made that mistake and I can never correct it. Today I am showing my support for people like Jenny and my late mother and all those suffering with "stuff."
I am posting this silver ribbon in support .. I also purchased this button from Jenny's zazzle store. All proceeds from the sale will go to The Traveling Red Dress Project (A project designed to celebrate women in their strongest and weakest moments) .. you can purchase one too by clicking here.
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